Real talk y’all – I have spent much too much of my life feeling “not good enough”.
In elementary school, I wasn’t coordinated enough to enjoy P.E. (and was always picked last in any schoolyard-style draft), and wasn’t outgoing enough after my best friend went away. I didn’t stick up for myself enough.
In high school, it was that I wasn’t popular enough, or good enough at doing my makeup, or fashionable enough. I wasn’t athletic enough or good enough at team sports. I wasn’t a great enough singer to feel confident trying out for jazz ensemble, and my letter jacket wasn’t cool enough because it was in choir and wasn’t in sports. I wasn’t wild enough to even be invited to parties where there was going to be alcohol, and was told I was too much of a prude to ever be able to keep a boyfriend happy enough. I didn’t like cool enough music, I wasn’t a good enough dancer, I didn’t put myself out there enough.
In college, I was never fit enough, or ambitious enough (which is still the case). I wasn’t organized enough, I procrastinated papers until the night before they were due way too often. I wasn’t savvy enough with saving money instead of going out to eat around campus too many times a month. I didn’t feel qualified enough to be leading a student organization, I wasn’t a good enough event planner, or at speaking in front of groups. I wasn’t good enough at playing video games to not bring the League of Legends team down. I didn’t clean or do dishes enough. I wasn’t a good enough roommate to my roommates because I spent so much time out with Reid and hanging at his place. I was too sensitive to become a good enough counselor. I wasn’t passionate enough about my chosen major and future profession.
And now, as an adult, I still feel not “put together” enough. I still don’t think I’m adept enough at doing my own makeup for a skill I feel a grown woman should have by now, and I’m so lazy that sometimes, I don’t shower enough. I can never be good enough at forming healthy habits, and I still procrastinate like there’s all the tomorrows in the world left to put off to. I gained too much weight on birth control, I don’t meal-prep healthfully enough, I don’t exercise enough. I’m not motivated enough to find a career I’m truly passionate about. I say I’m going to meditate and do yoga every day, but never make the change. I still can’t break my vice of biting the skin around my cuticles. I constantly break promises I’ve made to myself. I’m not considerate enough to send thank-you notes by when I should, and I’m not thoughtful enough to buy gifts for others with enough lead time. I’m not a good enough dog mom, I don’t brush Lincoln enough, or clip his nails enough, or take him to the dog park or on hikes enough. I don’t clean the RV enough, or help Reid enough with the maintenance. I’m not a good enough travel planner to get ahead of the game with this whole RV trip. I won’t create enough good enough content to have a successful blog, so why bother trying. I am my own worst enemy, and I don’t get out of my own head enough to not stand in my own way.
I don’t put all that out there now to be all “woe is me, feel sorry for me” – truthfully, I could add much much more to that list of times I’ve thought to and about myself that I’m not good enough, but that’s not the point. The point is, if anyone else out there has ever thought similarly of themselves, we’re not alone, and we may not have it all together, but NOBODY DOES. Spending time and energy thinking the things like I’ve thought above, helps no one. Even if every single thing thought was true (which in my sane state of re-reading everything I know it’s not of course), I’d be much better off focusing on potential passions and discovering strengths to cultivate, or at the very least just speaking more kindly to my inner self so that I could free up headspace for more productive thinking.
What we can do, and what I’m going to actively try to become better about through blogging and daily practice, is be kinder to ourselves, and accept flaws and struggles as part of the bigger beautiful journey.
When Reid and I were working on updating just a few small things we wanted to change after buying our RV, we kept messing things up. Neither one of us has ever claimed to be good at or have an interest in developing a skill for home renovation, so needless to say our attempts at “home improvement” didn’t always pan out to look that great. But, as we kept chugging along with replacing the sinks, covering the tables and counters in contact paper meant to look like white marble, and painting a few elements here and there, we’d screw up, look at each other, go, “That look ok?” and the other would respond with a shrug, “Good ’nuff!”
There came our name for the RV, and maybe it’s meant to be my first lesson among many I’m sure I’ll take away from this semi-insane adventure. I’m a work in progress, but I always will be, and just as I am now, I’m well-equipped enough and good enough for this journey.
Why I’m emPATHETIC
I may have spent a good deal of my life feeling not good enough, but I like to think I’ve spent an even greater part feeling and having empathy for others.
And, if I’ve become practiced at being empathetic towards others, then why can’t I also have more empathy for myself? ‘Sempathy’, if you will. xD
Basically, one reason I want to blog is to share honest stories about my own struggles and failures, but with a healthy amount of good humor and spun in a positive light so no one feels like they have to have it all together – it’s more important that we’re trying to love ourselves and making realistic and attainable changes that will help us accept ourselves and be in a place where we can realize our life’s passion or purpose.
So, I may be the epitome of PATHETIC at adulting, and forever stay a procrastinator and oblivious last-minute planner, but, as long as I’m focusing on my strength of being empathetic, then I’ll be doing okay at this thing called life.